this little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home. this little piggy went wee wee wee all the way home.
i got a pedicure this week and i couldn't relax because my feet are so ticklish that it was excruciating. the massage chair felt like someone nudging me over and over again, trying to be gentle but getting impatient from my lack of acknowledgement. the nail technician pointed to the cherry red constellation of mosquito bites on my right ankle. "mosquito bites", i said. "oh, too bad. they like you". she gently patted my ankle. i've been such a disorganized mess lately and unable to find the cause. in some ways i feel very uninspired and in other ways i am just absolutely sucking the marrow out of life. there is so much to enjoy and so much to fear.
in Francesco Botticini’s The Assumption of the Virgin, heaven is made up of nine neatly arranged tiers of angels. when i looked at the news today, it told me that PCOS was linked to higher stroke and heart attack risk and that three Chinese nationals were injured in a drone attack on Moscow. how amazing is technology, that i can learn those two things simultaneously? what an efficient injection of despair! The Assumption of the Virgin is a striking painting, but its neatness doesn't sit right with me - in some ways it feels like it was painted either by a complete optimist or a complete idiot.
today i woke up at 6am for the first time in awhile. i took a piece of notebook paper and a jagged slice of green painter's tape and wrote a reminder of the win on my bathroom mirror. "i woke up early today". i have a gold star sticker in the corner of my mirror too, but i got that for doing something bad. i take a lot for granted and often fail to give myself credit for how far i've come. i know that i can be inspired again, i know that nothing is forever, and this beautiful chaos is what is forming me into the person i want to be. i can leave whenever i want, i can give and receive, i can make mistakes a few times over, i can embarrass myself, i can get drunk off communion wine, i can trust fall into acceptance, i can go home alone.
so c'mon baby, do you wanna fuck, marry, or kill heaven?